


An Interview about Vampires

by thegirlwiththemouseyhair



Category: Savage Lovecast (Podcast)
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, Detailed discussion of consent in vampire romance, Gay Male Character, Human/Vampire Relationship, Multi, Original Character(s), So many vampire puns, Vampires, vampire puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-08-25 16:22:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16664119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwiththemouseyhair/pseuds/thegirlwiththemouseyhair
Summary: "This week, a gay man wonders how to keep things sexy and healthy with his vampire boyfriend. Dan interviews vampire activist Dr. Illinca Ionescu about navigating interspecies relationships."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NaomiK](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaomiK/gifts).



_**Caller:**_ Hi Dan, this is kind of a long, complicated question, but here goes. I’m a twenty-four year old gay man from Canada. About seven months ago, I started dating a great guy who’s smart, funny, and a vampire. He was totally open about it when we met. He told me he’s seventy-five years old, although he died at 28 so he'll always look young and really hot. I think he has long-term potential. The first time we slept together, he said he needs blood drinking to be a part of sex, so I agreed to try it. Now, I always aim to be GGG, but I was surprised at how good getting bitten felt. It was at least as amazing for me as it was for him. I’d be thrilled for him to drink from me more often, which is my first question. How often is it safe for us to do that? He’s very careful not to bite me more than once every three or four weeks, which puts a real damper on our sex life. He says he’s fine focusing on me the rest of the time, but I wish I could reciprocate more. He needs blood for that, though. To make things even more complicated, I thought I wanted a monogamous relationship, so it’s been hard knowing my boyfriend has to drink from other people, too. We’ve tried a few threesomes; I’m getting used to sharing him, but I still think he’s overly cautious. I Googled iron supplements, and I think if I just take one, I’ll be fine. My second question is inspired by something a friend said to me. When I mentioned that I’m dating a vampire, my friend got really weird and intrusive. He said that I must be crazy, that because people tend to feel good when vampires bite them, it’s like my boyfriend’s been drugging me, and that I can’t really consent. He also said that I could only ever be a meal to my boyfriend, not a partner. I told him that’s not how it works, and that he sounded kind of bigoted. Frankly, I expected more from this friend. How do you think I should have handled that, Dan?

 ** _Dan:_** Joining me today is vampire activist Dr. Illinca Ionescu. Dr. Ionescu became a vampire in Transylvania in 1787. She has since worked as a nurse, then a doctor specializing in hematology, and most recently as a columnist and author advocating vampire-human coexistence. Her latest book, _Blood Ties: How Vampire-Human Relationships can Reinvigorate Two Species_ , is available through Amazon. We’ll put a link to her book and her blog in the show notes.

 _ **Dan:**_ Hi, Dr. Ionescu, thanks for joining us.

 _ **Illinca Ionescu:**_ Oh, it’s my pleasure, Dan, thanks for inviting me and thanks for making me feel welcome. And, you know, you can call me Illinca. I haven’t practiced as a doctor in a few years; I don’t mind.

 ** _Dan:_** So, you’ve written a lot about vampire-human dating, including navigating consent and the stigma of interspecies relationships. Before we get to the caller’s questions, what interested you in these issues?

 ** _Illinca:_** I’ve dated a lot of humans over the years, along with a few vampires. Some of my human partners opted to turn eventually, while others didn’t. Most vampires I know, and most of the vampires I interviewed for my book, had similar romantic histories. We’re a small community, so we often partner outside it.

 ** _Dan:_** So any listeners out there who are into vampires are in luck, right?

 ** _Illinca:_** Right. We need both blood and companionship, which encourages interspecies partnerships. So do the odds; there are simply more humans out there.

 ** _Dan:_** I take it humans _aren’t_ necessarily just a meal to vampires? Or maybe only to shitty, predatory vampires...

 ** _Illinca:_** Yeah, for the most part, I promise, we _don’t_ see humans as just a meal. There are bad vampires out there, but most of us can form healthy relationships with mortals. That’s especially true of younger vampires, who tend to feel closer to humans because they died more recently.

 ** _Dan:_** And I guess that’s a good segue way into unpacking the caller’s second question. What did you make of it? Because it sounds to me like his friend should maybe butt the fuck out? I’ve talked about consent a lot on the podcast, but it didn’t sound like his boyfriend did anything wrong. The caller said his partner told him upfront about being a vampire, told him about his needs. It sounded like if he’d wanted to end their first date or first hookup - or _any_ of their dates or hookups - like he could have called an Uber and gone home. The fact that the sex felt good and the blood drinking felt good - things the caller wanted to do - doesn’t mean the caller couldn’t consent. My gut reaction was this guy’s friend is off-base. What did you think of that?

 ** _Illinca:_** I think people hold assumptions about vampires because of the media. Off topic, but people assume every day that I’m going to sound like Bela Lugosi from the old Dracula movies. They forget that I’m two hundred and sixty eight years old, which gives you lots of time to practice your second, third or fourth language.

 ** _Dan:_** I imagine it gives you lots of time to get the accent right…

 ** _Illinca:_** Exactly. Now, going back to consent, any decent vampire who’s dating a human will be sensitive to these issues. It seems like your caller’s partner was, and that he did the right things - assuming things went down just as the caller described.

 ** _Dan:_** Yeah. To the caller, if you’re listening right now: if you don’t feel threatened, you’re not seeing red flags, your boyfriend’s not trying to control you or disrespecting boundaries -

 ** _Illinca:_** Right, obviously, he shouldn’t be hypnotizing you or breaking into your house to watch you sleep -

 ** _Dan:_** Yeesh. Obviously. But if you don’t feel threatened, caller, if there are no red flags, I think your friend should butt the fuck out. You can tell him that, if you haven’t already. You have my permission.

 ** _Illinca:_** I will say one thing, though; I see where the caller’s friend may be coming from. Historically, not all vampires have cared enough about consent. You should have informed, enthusiastic consent, both to drink blood and to turn someone. This has been a big problem with many vampires my age and older, and it needs to be called out. I have no problem challenging my generation on that. It’s getting better, but there are still some creepy, predatory types out there.

 ** _Dan:_** So for any listeners who are into vampires, or open to dating vampires, beware of creepy motherfuckers. As you should be with anyone, really.

 ** _Illinca:_** Personally, I think your caller lucked out with his partner. His partner’s very young -

 ** _Dan:_** He said the guy’s, what, seventy years old? Sounds like a decent age gap to me, not that there’s necessarily anything _wrong_ with that.

 ** _Illinca:_** Seventy-five. I think he said his partner’s seventy-five, which, don’t forget, is very young for a vampire. That’s less than one human lifetime. In my experience, it’s usually younger vampires who are leading healthier conversations about consent. That culture’s improved a lot since I was turned. Thankfully. I talk about that in my book.

 ** _Dan:_** Although I imagine there’s still work to be done, with any species.

 ** _Illinca:_** Yeah, unfortunately.

 ** _Dan:_** What do you make of the caller’s first question - that he wants his boyfriend to drink more from him?

 ** _Illinca:_** I’m afraid I agree with the caller’s partner on this one. Some human-vampire couples will try the blood drinking once a week or so, but anemia from such frequent blood loss can get serious.

 ** _Dan:_** Yeah, it sounds like it would be especially draining if the caller ever went to the gym? Or went for a run, or something?

 ** _Illinca:_** Yeah, that could definitely cause exhaustion and other problems. That’s why most vampires, like the caller’s partner, will drink from a large pool of humans. Once a month or so is probably safe for a cisgender man, although eating extra red meat or taking iron supplements is a good idea. It sounds like this vampire is doing all the right things not to land his boyfriend in hospital.

 ** _Dan:_** And there’s a lot of other stuff this couple can do. The caller mentioned that his boyfriend likes to focus on him, so that’s an option. Caller: I say just enjoy your generous, hot vampire boyfriend. Take yes for an answer. Do things other than blood-drinking, like anal, oral, or mutual masturbation -

 ** _Illinca:_** I will say, though, that a male vampire, or any vampire with a penis, would need to be very well-fed to get an erection. It’s nothing to be ashamed of; it’s an issue even between vampire couples. I’ve dated some vampire guys, so I know. Not every sex act will be feasible for him every night. But as you said, Dan, there’s a lot this couple can do. They can also try very small bites that give both partners a taste of the blood drinking rapture, like a little nip to a finger. In fact, one of the human women I dated loved to cook, and every little kitchen accident, like with a potato peeler or something, was an opportunity for a fun, intimate moment. That shouldn’t land someone in hospital, either.

 ** _Dan:_** There you go, caller. Cook more potato dishes for your vampire boyfriend.

_[Both laugh]_

**_Dan:_** Will that be as euphoric as a full-on bite to the neck? You mentioned the word ‘rapture’...

 _ **Illinca:**_ Not quite. It’s a small taste of the experience.

 ** _Dan:_** But vampire bites do tend to feel good, is that correct? Not just for this caller, but in general.

 ** _Illinca:_** It’s like that for many humans; it's one of the few things vampire media gets _right_. I try to keep a finger on the pulse of the latest medical research, which suggests there's a chemical in vampire saliva makes humans feel good. I understand the caller’s impatience, but his boyfriend is doing the right things to keep him safe.

 ** _Dan:_** So, it sounds like this is another non-problem. Good luck to the caller and his boyfriend - although, you know, if it turns out there _isn’t_ that long-term potential, or if this caller can’t see himself sharing his partner with other warm blood bags indefinitely - if that proves to be a nail in the coffin for this relationship - it doesn’t mean the relationship was a failure. If two people have fun for a few weeks or months or so, and don’t leave each other worse off, that can be successful, too. Not everything has to last the rest of your life.

 ** _Illinca:_** I agree. Well, technically it’s more correct to say _unlife_ , regarding the caller’s partner, but you’re totally right. A couple doesn’t have to stay together three hundred years for a relationship to be worthwhile.

_[The interview ends at this point, and Dan proceeds to address the next call.]_


	2. Epilogue

_[Printed in Savage Love the following week]_

Hi, Dan. I'm emailing in response to the caller last week who’s dating a vampire. That was actually my boyfriend. I’m so glad your guest said I’m right about how often it’s safe to drink from him. (I may have said something in the vein of ‘I told you so’; I admit it). Also, I want to reassure listeners that I would never hurt him or any partner more than they want me to. Having to drink blood does not mean I have a license to be a creep. I may be young by vampire standards, but I still have decades of experience minimizing harm to humans. Anyway, I really liked Dr. Ionescu, and will be reading her book as well as catching up with your podcast and column. Keep up the great work.

PS: I know you appreciate it when men send pics, so here’s one of my boyfriend. I would have sent one of us both, but photographs work kind of like reflections for me. It makes dating sites very difficult, as you can imagine!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for prompting this, recip! I really, really hope this hits the spot for you as it did for me. I am literally working on an original idea that features vampires, and wanted to hash out how you could have safe, consensual vampire/human romances. Imaginary Dan Savage plus an imaginary guest was a good venue to do so, and I had so much fun writing this treat. Hope you enjoy, and happy Yuletide! (Also, the title was shamelessly stolen from an episode of the Frankenpod, another podcast I enjoy.)


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